The Epic Adventure
by Arcane-Boomeus
Summary: Ah, randomness, you return to me.   This is isnanity!  ... Yeah, pretty much.    All the sane should avert their gazes, there'll be non of that sense here.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer:I, Arcane-Boomeus, hereby state that I do not own Pokemon, The Pokemon Company, Nintendo, GameFreak, or any affiliates and/or owners. However, I do own all my characters and their personalities.**_ _**Nor do I own Creepers, Mojang, Minecraft, or any of the like.**_

I made Creepers a pocket monster. Because I can. They're called Sulfurious. (You see what I did there? I came up with that all by myself!)

If you don't get the jokes about them I make, just watch a couple of Yogscast Minecraft videos, and you'll understand soon enough.

**THE EPIC ADVENTURE**

**Chapter 1: Let it Begin!**

There we were. Petalburg forest. I looked at my traveling companion, the "lovely" Elise, then to my blood-soaked Kirlia.

"Dammit. I told you to weaken the damn thing, not slaughter it!" I was pretty pissed, I had really wanted that Slakoth.

"Kir, lia, Kirlia!" Replied the blood-soaked Pocket Monster, who licked some blood from her hand.

Elise laughed. "What a psyco..."

I frowned. "Elise, learn to spell. It's P-S-Y-C-H-O."

She rolled her eyes. "How can you criticize my spelling when I'm verbally speaking to you?"

"_ERROR, kill the girl,"_ buzzed the voice in my head, causing me to laugh. "I just know." _"WARNING. PMS levels are dangerously high." _It said again.

"Kirlia kir lia Kirlia." Said Kirlia.

"I don't care that you can hear the voice and agree with it. Elise is the best that was available at the time."

"Why is your Kirlia so ugly? And why does she hate me?" Elise whined.

"Kirlia..." Tempted the small pokemon.

I gritted my teeth. "Fine. Make it quick, though."

Elise looked at me funny. "What are you two getting on about-" Her bloody torso fell to the ground, followed by her severed head.

"You're right. That's much better." I said to Kirlia, who smiled and teleported onto my shoulders.

"Kirlia, kir."

"You want a name..." I scratched my chin. "I'm not so good with names... Let's ask the readers!" I turned toward where I thought a narrator or some similar person would stand. "What do YOU think I should name Kirlia?"

"Like I'm gonna fall for that... BOB!" You say to your computer screen.

I jumped. "Kirlia, did you hear that?"

The pokemon nodded. "Kirlia."

"Yeah... Pedophiles ARE creepy... And they want you to be named Bob..."

"Kirlia." She scolded me.

"But Bob suits you!" I insisted, only to silence myself at the sight of a glowing purple scythe of energy.

"Kir lia. Kirlia lia kir." Kirlia said in her "Dirty Harry" voice.

"I will not make your day, madam." I replied, not wanting to anger the Kirlia.

"Kirlia kir, lia." Kirlia said.

"Yeah, I hope she's in a better place, too."

**Meanwhile, in Hell...**

Elise frowned. "Awwww dammit!"

She noticed a bright red man. "Hey sweet thing. How'd you like to live again?"

She nodded. "Very much so!"

"Get on your knees!"

She rolled her eyes. "...Fine."

**Back to Petalburg woods**

Still heading to Littleroot, I looked at Kirlia, who happily licked the blood from her entire body. "How are you almost clean already?" I asked her, amazed.

"Kirlia kir kirlia."

"That's so creepy I'm not even going to repeat it." I replied, holding back vomit.

I heard a strange hissing noise behind me. "That's a very nice Kirlia you've got there... It would be a sssssshame if something were to happen to it..."

"Oh fu-"

_SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS-BOOOOOOM!_

**Some time later...**

I sat bolt upright. "Oh God. That was a horrible dream."

"Kir, lia Kirlia." Replied Kirlia dryly.

"Not a dream, huh? Then how'd we survive?"

"Kirlia kir." She replied sarcastically.

"_WARNING! Personality replacement imminent. Beware of- SPAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCEEEEEEE!" _The voices switched inside of my head. "I don't need your snide comments, I'm hearing the space voice at the moment."

She sighed. "Kirlia?"

I nodded. "Yes, really."

"Kirlia, kir lia kir kir." She scolded.

"But the meds make everything lame and boring!" I complained.

"Kirlia."

"I don't care that you don't care!" I retorted.

"Kir, lia Kirlia." She sighed.

I smirked. "I think your name should be Caroline."

"_SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCEEEEEEEE_!" Cried the voice in my head.

Caroline smiled. "Kirlia."

I shrugged. "I knew you liked it when it said "Caroline smiled," but I appreciate the encouragement."

"_SPACE!"_

I took the time to admire the crater left by the explosion. It ended right at my feet. "Kirlia," said Caroline, "lia kirl."

I frowned. "I don't think I heard you correctly. Could you repeat that?"

"Kirlia," she said, "lia kirl."

"Oh. I did hear you correctly..." I laughed nervously. "But, I can't do that."

She crossed her arms. "Lia? Kirlia lia?"

I swallowed. "That's a difficult question..." Seeing the look on her face, I quickly added "You're plenty pretty, it's just... I don't know. You're not my type?"

Tapping her foot, she glared at me intensely. "Kirlia. Lia lia kirl lia Kirlia."

I frowned. "Right. You can read my thoughts. That's so unfair!"

"Kirlia." She looked like she wanted to kill me.

"No, it's not sexy, it's unfair and- WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" I was shocked by a bright red light enveloping Elise's body.

"_SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!" _

Caroline turned around. "KIRLIA!"

"Fuck is right." Said Elise.

"_WARNING: Space voice lost."_

I let out a sigh of relief. "Oh thank God."

Elise looked pleasantly surprised. "You're really glad to see me?"

Caroline and I laughed. "Hell no! I just got rid of the Space voice!"

"Kirlia!"

"Fuck you, you little bitch!" Elise shouted.

Caroline didn't appreciate it, and the purple scythe between her hands showed it. "Lia, Kirlia."

Elise shrugged. "I'm immune to that now! SO STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN!"

Caroline shrugged and sent the scythe at Elise, who cringed and shuddered as it passed through her abdomen. "Kir lia Kirlia."

Elise glared at her. "I already WAS damned!"

I frowned. "Wait. Who's this man of yours?"

She smiled at me. "You, handsome."

"Fuck my life." I swore, rubbing my temples.

"Kirlia kirl lia kir lia Kirlia kir." Said Caroline.

I shrugged. "Fine, Caroline. We're moving on as planned. If you somehow evolve before we leave the forest, I'll take you out on a date. Deal?"

Caroline nodded happily. "Kirlia kir lia!" She ran off into the woods.

Elise laughed. "There's no way that's gonna happen!"

I nodded. "That's why I made the deal..." I looked at my belt. "I haven't caught any other Pokemon yet... Caroline keeps killing them all."

Elise shrugged. "I have my Skitty."

"Then let's get going. It's best not to give her too much time to try and evolve."

**About 2 hours later...**

Caroline teleported in front of us, scaring Elise's Skitty into fainting. She was covered in blood. "Lia, Kirlia."

"I don't have any Elixers... But I have this Tyranitar Energy drink..." I tossed the can to her, and she popped the top, drinking the entire can in one go.

"Lia kirlia!" She thanked me, running back into the trees.

Elise picked up the can. "WARNING: Tyranitar Energy Drink is not responsible for any ill side-effects in pokemon that evolve while influenced by TED, nor any genetic mutations or mental disorders.

Common post-evolution side-effects include, but are not limited to: Development of Dark-type characteristics, insanity, explosive diarrhea, miscolored discharge from the left pinky toe, delusions of grandeur, necrosis, psychosis, necrophilia, or erections lasting over 4 years."

I shrugged. "Good thing it'll be impossible for her to evolve..."

**3 more hours later, near the exit of Petalburg woods...**

Elise stopped. "Did you just see that bright flash in the trees to the left?"

I shook my head. "Nope."

I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Garde, voir, Gardevoir."

"Holy shit... I don't know what you just said, but I'm assuming you're Caroline."

Elise turned slowly. "Aw DAMMIT!" She punted her Skitty, sending it flying into a tree.

I turned as well. Caroline was quite attractive... She looked pretty normal, other than her dress being splattered with blood and her eyes and spikes, which were a dark purple. "Wow, you're pretty... And I need to learn to understand what you're saying now.."

She reached for my crotch. "Gardevoir."

"I'm pretty sure I understood what that meant..." I mused. Caroline smiled, revealing razor sharp teeth. "Maybe that energy drink WAS a bad idea..."

_**End Chapter 1**_

**Yeaaaaahhhh boooiiiii!**

**^I apologize for that...**

**I'm just excited! This marks the return of complete and total randomness and insanity!**

**Also, this will be on DeviantArt! Yeah, I capitilized the "D".**

**You wanna fight about it?**

**Yours in complete and utter falseness;**

**Arcane-Boomeus**


	2. Chapter 2

**_Disclaimer:I, Arcane-Boomeus, hereby state that I do not own Pokemon, The Pokemon Company, Nintendo, GameFreak, or any affiliates and/or owners. _** _**Nor do I own Creepers, Mojang, Minecraft, or any of the like. **_**_However, I do own all my characters and their personalities._**

****THE EPIC ADVENTURE****

****Chapter 2: Mission... Accomplished****

**Caroline laughed. "On the contrary, darling, I think it was an excellent idea."**

**Elise's jaw dropped. "She can fucking talk?"**

**My jaw dropped. "You can fucking talk?"**

**Skitty happily pranced around Caroline's feet. "Nyaaaaan~"**

**"_Hey, fuckhead, she can talk. Whoopedy fuckin' doo." _****Said the Mafioso voice.**

**Caroline laughed. "Hi Lenny!"**

**"_My name is Leroy, you stupid bitch!"_**** Said the voice.**

**Caroline grimaced. "Shaddup Frankie!"**

**Elise just shrugged. "I don't even want to know..."**

**Skitty happily licked her ankle. "Nyaaaan~"**

**Elise punted it into a tree. "YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO SAY YOUR NAME!one!"**

**Skitty turned around three times, loudly cried "Nyaaaaaaan~" and flew away on a rainbow.**

**We all looked on in shock. "What the fuck just happened?" I asked.**

**Caroline looked at the rainbow left behind by the Skitty, then turned to me. "Something horribly evil..."**

**Elise's head hung low. "Now I don't have a freaking Pokemon..."**

**Caroline looked down at her dress. "How dreadful... I can't wear this on a date..."**

**I sighed as I saw Rustboro. ****_"She's a stupid bitch, but at least she don't want you dead, eh?"_**

**I had to hand it to Lenny- he had a point- Caroline could have just decided to murder me... I looked at the Gardevoir, who stood and looked at her dress sadly. "Caroline?"**

**She looked up at me. "Yes?"**

**"If I go on this date with you, you have to promise not to kill anyone or any trainer's Pokemon unless I ****say it's okay, alright?"**

**She nodded enthusiastically. "Deal!"**

**I smiled. "And you remember why we're here, right?"**

**She grinned. "To whoop Roxanne's tight ass!"**

**Elise just sulked. "Elise, you're a bitch and all, but, you're making me feel bad."**

**She nodded. "Sorry."**

**I tossed her an empty Poke ball. "Go catch something. We'll wait for you here."**

**I yawned. "And I'll take a nap!"**

****A half an hour later...****

**Elise emerged from the forest, hair messed up and a Poke ball in hand. "Thanks."**

**Caroline smiled at her. "How'd you catch ****_him_****?" **

**Elise turned bright red. "With... perseverance." **

**I shrugged, not picking up on their hints. "What is it?"**

**She pressed the button on the ball, releasing a Sulfurious. "I named him Richard."**

**Richard looked around. "Thissssss issssss a veeerrryy niccce clearing we've got here..."**

**I took out my PokeDex and scanned him. "Sulfurious, the Creeper Pokemon. Sulfurious usually travel alone, exploding on any unsuspecting travelers or miners they may come upon. Masters of stealth and scare tactics, the hissing cry of a Sulfurious strikes fear into the hearts of any who know what it means. Sulfurious prefer darker environments, but are not hindered by the day and never sleep. Once tamed, they can be extremely loyal friends and allies."**

**Caroline smiled. "OOOH! OOOOOHH! Scan me next!"**

**I shrugged, pointing the 'Dex at her. "No data found. Error. No data found. Error..." I closed the small red device and looked at her. "Caroline, you're not in Kansas anymore."**

**She frowned, not picking up the reference. "What?"**

**I smirked. "You're not a Gardevoir, at least, not according to the PokeDex."**

**"That'sssss a very niccccce not-Gardevoir you've got there..." Commented Richard.**

**Elise burst out laughing. "Oh my God. That's seriously awesome."**

**Caroline frowned. "What am I?"**

**I shrugged. "You're Caroline. That's all that matters."**

**"_Congratulations. I now pronounce you wimp and bitch." _**

**"SHUT UP FRAKNIE!" Shouted Caroline, who looked very pissed.**

**Elise and Richard looked on, confused. "That'ssssss very odd..."**

**Elise nodded. "I concur. What the hell is going on here?"**

****One awkward explanation and ensuing conversation later...****

**I clapped my hands. "Now that that's all settled and done," I stood, "Let's go into Rustboro!"**

**As we walked into Rustboro, Elise pointed at the concrete. "Isn't concrete normally gray? This is tan..."**

**I shrugged. "It is, but why does it matter?"**

**She scratched her head. "It's just... Odd."**

**Caroline nodded. "It doesn't matter..."**

**"That'sssssss a very nicccccce pointlesssssss conversssssation you've got there..." Richard interjected.**

**I looked around the city, noticing the Pokemart and Pokemon Center. "Let's ask a Nurse Joy what you are, Caroline!"**

**She nodded. "I hope she can tell us..."**

**As we entered the Pokemon Center, a little girl tugged on my sleeve. "Hey, mister, I want a Slakoth. Can you trade me one?"**

**I shook my head. "I don't have one."**

**She looked defeated. "Oh. Alright, then."**

**And at that moment, I knew what I had to do. "Give me a couple of hours."**

**Her face lit up with hope. "Thank you, mister!"**

**I nodded. "It's no problem."**

**"_Now there's somethin' I can get behind. Helpin' a sweet little girl. Just make sure your bitch don't kill dis thing."_**

**Elise put her hand on my shoulder. "This is sweet and all, but we still don't know what Caroline is."**

**I nodded. "Point taken." I turned back to the little girl. "We'll be back later, … erm..."**

**"Elyssa," she said with a smile.**

**"See you later, Elyssa." I said.**

**Nurse Joy smiled at us as we approached the desk. "Hello! How can I help you?"**

**I gestured at Caroline. "My Kirlia evolved, but the PokeDex says she's not a Gardevoir."**

**Joy looked Caroline up and down, then scratched her head. "Can you open your mouth, sweetie?"**

**"Of course," Caroline replied, opening her mouth.**

**Joy frowned. "Those are most certainly ****_not _****the teeth of your average Gardevoir... Oddly colored spikes and eyes are relatively common, but those teeth are certainly one of a kind."**

**I shrugged. "What is she, then?"**

**"I don't know. She was normal before evolution, am I right?" Joy asked. **

**I nodded. "Physically, yes."**

**Joy looked at Caroline thoughtfully. "Did she come into contact with any odd substances before evolving?"**

**"Just a Tyranitar Energy Drink..." I said sheepishly.**

**Joy rubbed her temples. "Did you not read the warnings, or did you ignore them?"**

**"I ignored them..." I replied.**

**Joy nodded. "Then you realize that she's probably part Dark-type, right?"**

**"I kinda forgot that part..." I admitted.**

**Joy sighed. "Well, she shouldn't be in too much danger, but you should go to Professor Birch's lab in Littleroot to have him make sure she evolved properly... Well, as properly as she could have." **

**"Alright, we'll do that. Anything else?"**

**"No, that's all." Joy said cheerily.**

**As we left, an old man with crazy eyes approached us. He held a disk and what looked to be a DVD player. "It's dangerous to go alone. Take this." He handed them to me. "That's an HM, or Hidden Machine. It contains Cut. You'll need it to cut down small trees blocking your path."**

**Elise laughed nervously. "That's nice."**

**Richard didn't seem to like this man. "That'sssssss a very niccccce continued exisssstance you've got there. It would be a ssssshame if ssssomething were to happen to it..."**

**The old man ran away faster than I could have, shouting "I'm the Cutter!"**

**Caroline giggled. "What a kind old man..."**

**I put the disk into an unoccupied slot in my bag, and dropped the DVD player into the pouch labeled "Important Stuff." **

**Elise hugged Richard. "Thank you!" She turned to me and Caroline. "Me and Richard are gonna go to the Poke Mart. You want us to pick up anything while we're there?"**

**Caroline looked at me thoughtfully. "Maybe some Elixers?"**

**We all laughed. "So," Elise said, "What are you two gonna do?"**

**Caroline blushed a little. "Hopefully, each other..."**

**I smiled. "That's flattering, but I think we should go and catch a Slakoth for Elyssa first."**

**She nodded agreement. "Helping a cute little girl could be romantic..."**

**"As long as you don't kill everything in our path, I suppose." I had to admit, Caroline ****_was _****attractive.**

**"_Yeah, I know I always get laid when I'm helpin' little kids." _****Leroy remarked.**

**"_You're not even a physical being! Shut your nonexistent face!" _****I thought.**

**Caroline laughed. "Let's go and catch that Slakoth..."**

****30 minutes later, in Petalburg Woods...****

**"There!" Caroline shouted, pointing at a Slakoth, which hung lazily from a tree.**

**I nodded. "Remember, just knock it out so we can catch it."**

**"I know, I know..." Caroline muttered.**

**"Alright, use Psychic to remove it from the tree!" I commanded.**

**The Slakoth began glowing purple, then floated gently down to the ground. "Slak. Slak oth."**

**"Let's try and knock him out with a-" I stopped mid-sentence. The Slakoth had fallen asleep.**

**Caroline shrugged. "Catch him!"**

**I took a Poke ball off of my belt and threw it at the sleeping pocket monster. It was sucked into the ball as it became a red light. The ball rocked left... right... left... And then the button flashed red, slowly ****fading back to grey.**

**I walked over to the ball, picking it up. "That was easy."**

****Five minutes later, in Rustboro.****

**Elise and Richard came running over to us. "They didn't have Elixers, but I got you this." She handed me a small notebook and pen. The cover read 'Quest Journal'.**

**"What the hell is this for?" I asked, flipping it open. The first page read: "Quest Entry: Catch a Slakoth for Elyssa."**

**Caroline smiled. "That's cool."**

**"That'sssss very nicccccce." Richard commented. **

**I put a checkmark beside the first entry. "Mission... accomplished." I said dramatically, looking to the sky.**

**_**End Chapter 2**_**

****Yeah, I know. I left out the Cutter's daughter.****

****Deal with it.****

**Yours in complete and utter falseness;**

**Arcane-Boomeus**


End file.
